The Job Market Has Some Weird Options

As many of you know I have been looking for a job far longer than I ever wanted to.  My time on Indeed and LinkedIn and the Kansas Department of Labor websites have now surpassed the number of hours logged in my lifetime on any website you would care to mention.

Scrolling through the job listings I stop on the ones which look like they fit my background.  I also stop and look at the job titles that make me very curious. 

Floating Store Manager. When the hell did the ability to defy gravity become a requirement for a job?  That class was not offered at any of the institutions of higher learning I attended. 

Vice President of Estimating. I could do that.  Hmmm, that looks to be about five feet.  Ooo, that is around 30 pounds. That guy looks like he once spent time in a maximum-security facility, about 12 to 15 years. The work I do is worth around $9,000 a week, yeah that’s about it. 

Dog Waste Removal Technician. I think we all know what that means but it sounds a lot better the way they put it. 

Nuclear License Application Development Manager – Urgently Hiring. This one scared the hell out of me.  Just how urgent and where was this job located. 

Vault Supervisor. That sounds boring as all get out.  “Yep, the vault is still there. Hasn’t gone anywhere.” Fifteen minutes later. “There it is.  The vault is right where it was yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And the day before that. Arrrrgggghhhh, I’m going to go back to my last job. Watching paint dry.” 

Plant Controller. Isn’t this something super villains do to take over the world? Who advertises for that? Makes it far too easy for Batman to thwart them. 

Proposal Manager. I knew there were wedding planners and I knew that marriage proposals had been turned into extravaganzas that would make P.T. Barnum think “that was a little over the top,” but I did not know a cottage industry had popped up. 

Manager, Lipid Nanocrystal Formulation. WTAF

Agent Support Team. This has got to be the people who sit in the van and talk into a mic which transmits to some sort of microscopic earpiece worn by amazingly attractive spy type people. Unfortunately, the van people don’t get paid like the spies do. Which is totally not fair because the amazingly attractive spy people would be cheese on a cracker without the van people telling them the henchmen were in the room to their left…no, your other left. 

Diabetes Sales Specialist. If you can sell that you can sell anything.  What’s next? Cancer Installer?

Certified Sterile Processing Technician. The qualifications for this gig seem a little too personal.

Supervisor, Sterile Equipment. Does this person just keep an eye on the Certified Sterile Processing Technician’s junk? 

Assistant Retreat Director. Is this the person who yells “Run away!” after the Senior Retreat Director didn’t run away quite fast enough?   

Tasker. This is totally the job I want. “You, go do this. You, go do that. Hey, get me a drink. Paint my house. Fix Congress. Explain why so many people think Jerry Lewis is funny.” My list is endless.